To live outside of fear

To live outside of fear
The heart in union with the mind
To only want what I need
And choose a path that's mine

To love outside a world of sorrow
By living in the sense of joy
To live outside of poverty
Through happiness and not through money

To sleep without fear
Of nightmares or tomorrow
To love without fear
of rejection or compromise

To give without fear
Of expectation or return
To take without fear
Of obligation or debt

To breathe without fear
Of the life I’ve passed
To breathe without fear
of the life I have left

To live outside of fear
Of losing what I don’t have
To live outside of fear
Of having nothing to lose

To live outside of fear
That I cannot live that way
To live outside of fear
That I’ve already thrown it away

Dissolve

The smoke drifted up
Higher and Higher
Taking me with it
To a cloud i've known before

The world dissolved
color was all i'd see
a painting on no canvas
an artist beyond all imagination
a psychedelic piece of work
That mushroomed a newness in every moment.

I dove into that stream of beauty
a colour - pure and nascent
i rose with my smoke
and bathed in its non-conformance

a happiness undisturbed
a consciousness unabsorbed

Why I fell out of my chair

I knew I was smiling. I just knew it. My face felt funny, and as an expression that I used quite rarely, I definitely knew I was smiling. Oh! And there was that weird feeling again. That jittery butterfly like feeling. I looked up at the sky – the day seemed bright – another oddity. It started off in such a gloomy fashion. I checked the forecast – no change since morning. Does it just seem brighter? Like how the grass is a lush green all of a sudden? And why am I noticing those two birds chasing each other like that, through the leaves and branches and across the sky?! There’s that smile again. Dammit!

I knew something was wrong. I knew it when I lifted myself off the ground after falling off my chair. I had been day-dreaming with that silly grin all over my face. I can’t recall what I was thinkin about. But then again, I have been doing stupid things all day. Walked into 3 walls, put a metal spoon in the microwave, turned on my comp and shut it down for no apparent reason. What the hell's happening?!

Oh yeah.. she smiled at me.. That’s what happened..

That’s why my head was in a spin all the time..

That’s why my heart refuses to go silent..

That’s why I was doodling on my report..

And that’s why I have this smile all over my face..

I think back to when “She” was just another she. Seems so long ago that it must have been in a different lifetime altogether. I try to think back to a time when those eyes of hers were not deep pits of adoration, but merely organs of sight. I try to look back to when her laughter dint light up my world with a whole load of sunshine and was simply an expression of joy. Those days when her presence dint send me into a daze and when she was just another person in the room. Those days before she smiled at me and gave me that tiny barely perceptible wink.

There are those who akin love to some intangible beauty, a full-moon night with the scent of jasmine in the cool breeze. There are books written about it, wars fought and a gazillion movies trying to describe it. I say love is that moment. That moment when she looks at you and smiles – and you know. You know there is nothing else in the world more important than seeing that smile every single moment of the day. You know that you will trade everything you have and don’t have to be the reason for that smile.

And then there’s the moment when you know that you are indeed the reason for that smile. Today was that day. She smiled. The corners of her mouth curved upwards, her cheeks flushed and her eyes grew bright as my heart fluttered like a humming bee and I drew in a sharp breath and stood there. She began to turn and walk away. Every atom in my body wanted me to call her back. But my nerves were not responding. I just stood there, dumbed and numbed with a feeling that I could not describe. She smiled again, giving me a mini heart attack. And I smiled back. She knew what I was saying and she was replying -  “Yes”.

That's how my winter gave way to a spring I've never known. That was why I fell off my chair - and into a new world.

I dont have a title for this one

I have wings to fly to eternity
I have feet to walk into the sunset
I have eyes to drink in the sunrise
I have ears to converse with nature
I have a mind to traverse this universe
I have imagination to go far beyond

I am free, unencumbered
I am strong, indestructible
I am sharp, observant
I am intelligent, patient
I am supreme, eternal
I am alive, aware
I am omniscient, omnipresent

I am human and divine
I was before and always am
I live to die and fall to rise
I sing for no one
I perform for mine

I exist coz i do
I fade away eventually
I accept, never succumb
I fight, never resist

I believe in now
I trust what i am
I ask who i am -and
I know now, that i am

Paradise

I recently read a comment on a website that said: “I love the way it tells you of a relaxing paradide”. That got me thinking – Isnt that what paradise is supposed to be? A place where one can rest eternally? Isnt paradise the place where everything is exactly the way one wants it to be? A place without compromises, suffering, etc etc? A place where a person can be themselves and have their own after-life?

But this brings to my mind another issue – surely we cant ALL want the same paradise. Then that would involve compromises and not having what you want. So this begs a question - What is paradise?

Is it that place one (hopefully) lands in once they’ve passed away? Does it co-exist with hell? Or is it just a single place that once can call paradise? Is it a place at all? Or is it merely a concept one likes to hold on to while alive in order to alleviate the fear and uncertainty that the common man holds of death?

The truth is, I don’t think we will ever know simple because we are not dead, and that once we are dead, I doubt if we would be able to tell ppl who are alive (I specifically choose NOT to enter into a discussion about ghosts or zombies here).

There’s a film called “What Dreams May Come”, starring Robin Williams. I really liked the description of paradise and hell that was given there. It showed how every person entering “paradise” enters a world of their own creation – their happy place if you want – will their own abilities and landscapes and lifestyles etc etc.. I was fascinated by it since it allowed the existence of individuality and free will after death and also beautifully evaded the concept of GOD and clouds and halos. Hell was explained as well, as a prison one keeps oneself in, without realizing all that one must do is get up and leave. I found this sort of reasoning very similar to real life itself and therefore appreciated it.

Coming back to paradise itself, assuming paradise was a place that gives an individual everything they want - including people, places, comforts, situations, etc etc for all eternity. So this brings in the fact that in a given individual’s paradise, there is the presence of more than that person themselves. So this calls for the intersection of at least 2 paradises, where each person exists in each other’s paradise.

Now consider a case where A wants B in their paradise, but B does not want A in his. What is to happen to both their worlds? Obviously A will have B – since it is paradise, and B will not have A owing to the same rule. So the B that must exist in A’s paradise will not be real, but will still have to be according to A. This brings us to a situation not too far from the minds of persons commonly found in mental asylums.

So what is this paradise? A place? An illusion? A panacea? It’s obviously something that cannot be defined, coz if it were, it would be limited and such a thing is not possible (again a contradiction. I am here assuming that paradise is “defined” as a place that cannot be limited.)

There’s a Zen story that springs to mind:
A respected general goes to a Zen monk and asks him “Where do the gates of Heaven and Hell lie?”. The monk gives the general a mocking look and replies “A fool like you can hardly hope to understand such a thing. Be gone moron”. Angered at the monk’s insolence the general draws out his sword prepares to kill the monk at which point the monk yells out “Here lie the Gates to Hell”. At that moment, the general realized his folly and fell to his knees and apologized to the monk and the monk said “And Here lie the gates to Heaven”.

I guess what the story tries to say here is that Heaven and Hell are not distant places that once reaches upon death. They are real and present themselves to us at every moment and in every choice we make. This is a very real world, practical way to look at the abstractness that paradise provides us with.

But I must say one thing. If paradise really did exist, I wouldn’t wanna go there. I would be far happier being a spirit and reveling in my birth into the afterlife and explore the infinity for all eternity. My own “paradise” if you must.

In Memoriam

Every person has that one place in their home/room, where they just keep on piling up things.. Items of memory, small curios, interesting keychains, old parchments, useless colorful papers, "special" letters/cards, small gifts from people, etc etc..

In my search for the original of my driving licence, i chanced upon such a place that i had - it was a complete mess.. With hopelessness by my side, i delved into the pile, eyes keenly looking out for that small rectangular item that i seek so fastidiously.. Needless to say, I dint find it.. But i realised one thing.. As a person who seems so detached and as one who doesnt really give much importance to material stuff, subconsciously i seem to be a real hoarder!!

Out came all the useless pieces of crap - Old bills, question papers, random boxes, warranty documents long expired, graph sheets :D, log books, gym gloves, broken earphones (7 of them!! wtf!), CDs and blah blah blah..

But, as i perused the objects that remained (with slight amusement i admit), I realised that each of those items had a story behind them, a history of sorts, of how I came to be in their possession and why I still had them.. Was I feeling nostalgia as i held them in my hands? Possibly.. But it was not mere memories.. It was a flurry of emotions as well - happiness, sadness, excitement, surprise, amusement, wierdness (yes i consider this also as a distinct uncategorizable emotion) - all of which, i gathered, were what i had experienced when i had first come across each of those items..

I have no real purpose as I write this note.. It is merely an observation of sorts.. The musings of an individual amused by his own actions.. Actions that have led one through life, collecting memorablia of such variety.. A bunch of experiences locked away in a wooden cage, treasured by time and forgotten by memory..

Child's Play

The smell is the first thing I sense.. A wonderful, rich, beautiful smell that fills my heart with joy.. A smell that intoxicates and makes you stop whatever you are doing and just fill your lungs with that magical essence..

Then I hear it.. My heart thumps with excitement.. The grandeur of that sound has created gods, and its power has made many a proud men quiver with fear..

The sight! The most expansive and terrifying of all of God’s manifestations.. Instantaneous apparitions that strike at the heart of every soul who sees it.. Flashes that remind us of the existence of powers far beyond our own..

Then comes the phenomenon itself.. Rain they call it.. I say its an opportunity to immerse ourselves is the wonder that is Nature.. The mother calls out to us “Come! Cleanse yourselves in me! I am the River, I am the Sea!! I have come for you, my child. Embrace me!”.. The mother calls, I answer..

I dissolve in every drop that i touch.. I return myself to the world a thousand times over..  My sorrows disappear; my happiness plays to its hearts content.. A calmness drapes my being and I am a mere child who knows nothing of the secrets of the universe, except that he is in it, and it is within him..

All that is there, standing drenched in the rain, is just that child playing with his mother – the mother that created him and his world, the mother that gave him trees to climb on and lakes to swim in, the mother who he truly belongs to and of whom he is a part..

What a performance the elements put up! Oh the wonder! The heavens and the sun provide amusement playing hide-and-seek and creating the most lovely images on the blue canvas of the sky! The music of the wind punctuated by the claps of thunder and supported by the pitter-patter of falling droplets.. The Bolts of lightning tearing the sky apart; Photographing the joyous moments of a child in his mother’s arms!

The world stands by and watches, knowing from its vast experience that what happens will last while it does, and like all good things, must reach a conclusion..

The child smirks as the mother bids adieu.. He is not sad, he does not worry over her departure.. He knows, even if she leaves, her presence is all around him in the breeze through the trees; in the warmth of the sun and the beauty of the night..

He knows, more than anything, that she will be back.. and when she does, the child will be there.. Waiting for her.. Eager to play.. Eager to be in her loving hands again.. To play till he forgets himself and is enveloped by the universe he belongs to..

He smiles and He waits..