In Memoriam

Every person has that one place in their home/room, where they just keep on piling up things.. Items of memory, small curios, interesting keychains, old parchments, useless colorful papers, "special" letters/cards, small gifts from people, etc etc..

In my search for the original of my driving licence, i chanced upon such a place that i had - it was a complete mess.. With hopelessness by my side, i delved into the pile, eyes keenly looking out for that small rectangular item that i seek so fastidiously.. Needless to say, I dint find it.. But i realised one thing.. As a person who seems so detached and as one who doesnt really give much importance to material stuff, subconsciously i seem to be a real hoarder!!

Out came all the useless pieces of crap - Old bills, question papers, random boxes, warranty documents long expired, graph sheets :D, log books, gym gloves, broken earphones (7 of them!! wtf!), CDs and blah blah blah..

But, as i perused the objects that remained (with slight amusement i admit), I realised that each of those items had a story behind them, a history of sorts, of how I came to be in their possession and why I still had them.. Was I feeling nostalgia as i held them in my hands? Possibly.. But it was not mere memories.. It was a flurry of emotions as well - happiness, sadness, excitement, surprise, amusement, wierdness (yes i consider this also as a distinct uncategorizable emotion) - all of which, i gathered, were what i had experienced when i had first come across each of those items..

I have no real purpose as I write this note.. It is merely an observation of sorts.. The musings of an individual amused by his own actions.. Actions that have led one through life, collecting memorablia of such variety.. A bunch of experiences locked away in a wooden cage, treasured by time and forgotten by memory..

Child's Play

The smell is the first thing I sense.. A wonderful, rich, beautiful smell that fills my heart with joy.. A smell that intoxicates and makes you stop whatever you are doing and just fill your lungs with that magical essence..

Then I hear it.. My heart thumps with excitement.. The grandeur of that sound has created gods, and its power has made many a proud men quiver with fear..

The sight! The most expansive and terrifying of all of God’s manifestations.. Instantaneous apparitions that strike at the heart of every soul who sees it.. Flashes that remind us of the existence of powers far beyond our own..

Then comes the phenomenon itself.. Rain they call it.. I say its an opportunity to immerse ourselves is the wonder that is Nature.. The mother calls out to us “Come! Cleanse yourselves in me! I am the River, I am the Sea!! I have come for you, my child. Embrace me!”.. The mother calls, I answer..

I dissolve in every drop that i touch.. I return myself to the world a thousand times over..  My sorrows disappear; my happiness plays to its hearts content.. A calmness drapes my being and I am a mere child who knows nothing of the secrets of the universe, except that he is in it, and it is within him..

All that is there, standing drenched in the rain, is just that child playing with his mother – the mother that created him and his world, the mother that gave him trees to climb on and lakes to swim in, the mother who he truly belongs to and of whom he is a part..

What a performance the elements put up! Oh the wonder! The heavens and the sun provide amusement playing hide-and-seek and creating the most lovely images on the blue canvas of the sky! The music of the wind punctuated by the claps of thunder and supported by the pitter-patter of falling droplets.. The Bolts of lightning tearing the sky apart; Photographing the joyous moments of a child in his mother’s arms!

The world stands by and watches, knowing from its vast experience that what happens will last while it does, and like all good things, must reach a conclusion..

The child smirks as the mother bids adieu.. He is not sad, he does not worry over her departure.. He knows, even if she leaves, her presence is all around him in the breeze through the trees; in the warmth of the sun and the beauty of the night..

He knows, more than anything, that she will be back.. and when she does, the child will be there.. Waiting for her.. Eager to play.. Eager to be in her loving hands again.. To play till he forgets himself and is enveloped by the universe he belongs to..

He smiles and He waits..

Just Breathe

A status of mine used recently said the following:

"everybody has a true nature - a side of one's self that makes one feel exuberant, fulfilled and content.. be that.. good and bad are only social stigmas.. never let them affect the self that is you..

Life is but a breath - dont force it in or out.."

(That last bit about life being a breath is Buddha's thing, and one of my most favourtie statements as well)

It kinda felt not-right to leave the message as small as the status box.. therefore i decided to make a small post out of it..

We all live in a world where we are not the only beings alive - rather unfortunate i've always thought.. The problem with this is that over time society has developed rules and doctrines that it expects ppl to align to.. So many people, fearing osctraiscm and craving the need to be wanted, force themselves to be limited by this code.. Over time and generations, two things have happened:

• The subservience to society has been passed on generation after generation and has resulted in fear of taking risks becoming a part of people's nature
• The other thing is that the supressed frustrations have also grown over time and lead to individuals who are extremists who break away drastically and create more furor and confusion rather than any good..

Interestingly, there comes a third category of people.. the thinkers + observers.. the ones who fall under neither, but are those who belong to a slightly more evolved kind of consciousness.. A lot of people in the world today belong to this category..

The reason i wanted to write this article was to stress on this.. the members of the third category often force themselves to align with either the first or second kind - please do not!! that would be conscious suicide (hope somebody gets the pun in that)

Every choice has its effects - side effects - consequences - blah blah blah.. Some choices make you a hero.. Some choices make you a legend.. Some choices make you a fool.. Some choices make you die.. But, if the choice you make allows you to be yourself, then the above effects do not matter..

I do not believe in goodness and evil.. Both exist because of the other.. If all our souls are the same, then it doesnt matter if there are good and bad ones.. both are pieces of the same whole..

I look at the concept of karma this way - By doing a 'bad' act, you only hurt yourself.. True since you're all part of the same bloody thing.. how does doing a 'good' thing benefit you? refer above.. there's no bloody difference..

Spirits may be the term given to streams of energy that go from one body to another to atone for past sins.. but I am not the spirit.. the spirit is me, but i am not the spirit.. I am so much more.. how can one spirit's sins affect me when another spirit's blessings absolve me?

I am not a contradiction.. I just am; the contradictions happen on their own.. they form, deform and disappear on their own.. they come and go through existence.. I just am..

Allow me to be, and I be.. Try and force me to change and i'll still be.. what can i change into when i am everything??

Being Simple - Simplified

A very recent discussion I had with a fellow intellectual has made my over-active mind think along the following lines:

To BE, or Not to BE

The focus here is on the highlighted words which draw attention to something people seldom identify themselves with – themselves.

The topic that my friend was writing on was one that has captured my attention for quite some time now.. It ran along the lines of simplicity of being and a being of simplicity.. There are differences between the two.. The former is one who is simple by nature and therefore is unfazed by material objects.. The latter, on the other hand, considers materials immaterial and leads a life enough to sustain oneself..

People say that simple people do not indulge in luxury.. I disagree.. A person being simple has nothing to do with their bank balance and garage sizes.. If a person is to be classified based on what they posses, then the absolute true value of every single person is - .. Being simple is to do with a person's awareness of themselves and the ability to accept themselves for what they are.. Such people can be found is sprawling villas, secluded ashrams, begging on the streets and abundantly in apartment blocks.. Being simple is an attitude and a state of mind.. 

Being simple is quite simply just being simple!


We posses nothing.. All we have is our selves.. Most people forget that.. The world is so distracted in the special effects that it has missed the plot altogether.. We no longer understand that the graphics only help present the story and is not the story in itself..

Having an Audi can help a man satiate his wanderlust! It cannot create it..

One of my favourite quotes states “Man travels all the world in search of what he wants, and comes home to find it.” That is how we live today.. We look all around us, trying to figure out our purpose and our identity..
All we have to do is stop searching and start living..  Descartes said “I think, therefore I am”. Unfortunately, I never really agreed with that statement.. I prefer to just say, “I am” (sometimes I even consider that statement not worth making)..

Stop trying to DO and start BE-ing..

Let life happen and experience every moment..

We have our options in front of us.. Either step out of the crowd, or continue to flow in the waves of chaos ..

The thing with simplicity is, it really is as easy as a choice between:

To Be, or not to BE

Why it Matters

One of the earlier notes i wrote was primarily on the theme of "nothing really matters - this statement included".. But, that's really not the case in life.. In fact, sometimes it seems like EVERYTHING matters - the color of the clothes we wear, our weight, height, complexion, car we use, what others think of us, the taste of coffee, the brand of noodles - literally everything.. So I have repeatedly asked myself, if I know that nothing really matters, why can I not believe and practice it compeltely?

A lot of questioning, understanding and observing has finally lead me to one simple and extremely perplexing answer - because its there!

A rich man knows no poverty.
A hungry man knows no stale bread.
A dead man knows no pleasure.
A blind man knows no color.
A comatose man knows no senses.

A lot of our knowledge exists because the subject of the knowledge exists.. Hate exists because of conflict; Conflict exists because of lack of understanding; Lack of understanding exists coz two people arent the same person - and that is the fundamental truth..

When we have known luxury, penury is very hard to handle.. Only when we have forced acceptance upon ourselves and have understood that luxury is an excess can a person become comfortable with poverty..

To a farmer it doesnt matter whether you say pot-ay-to or pot-ah-to - an English professor is bound to make a big deal out of it.. The only difference between the two of them is the knowledge they posses of the language and what is supposed to be..

The same professor might sing a poem to describe the taste of honey - while a mute might just smile.. Both of them have described it amply.. Such is the difference we have in expressing ourselves.. And this difference is what gives rise to all our problems - meaning, it matters..

It is impossible for all the world to think as a single person - but still we try to make it happen.. Hinduism is called so because the Englishmen used to refer to the religion of the people beyong the Indus - The name hinduism does not appear anywhere in any society that practiced the religion.. The reason?? There was no other belief system to get confused with.. A monopoly does not need a brand name..

We as a race often confuse our opinions with our selves.. When we do that, we lose sight of what matters and get caught up in the frivolous.. But, such is the case and since we all hold our opinions dear to us, it agitates us when faced with a conflicting opinion.. As we have lost the distinction between us and our opinion, we take the opposition personally and hence it matters to us..

The point here is, there is no all black or all white or all red or blue or green.. Humanity is a spectrum of colors.. All we can do is appreciate the shadows and enjoy the rainbows..

My bottle of water

I find there is a need to be detached and unconnected (note: its not disconnected).. It does not stem from hatred, desire, love, affection, jealousy and other commonly stated emotions/feelings.. What i refer to here is the need that one has despite going through all these, living in the midst of all these, to continue to be an experiencer in the moment of happening - nothing less and nothing more..

This person, this experiencer, is not to be confused with one who lives in those emotions all the time and gets lost in the myriad theatricals of emotions. The experiencer is the one who knows these emotions as they come and go, understands the reason for their existence, acknowledges them and lets them pass.. He is not one to hold conversation with them.. He knows that emotions are to be felt and not to be lived..

The detachment - not from humanity or from people.. The detachment is separation from clinging on to things.. Again, this must not be interpreted as withholding love and affection.. It is the ability to love without taking in return - unexpectant - and therefore detached..

People love or look for love in order to find happiness.. For he who is happy in himself, what is there to seek? He merely loves, and that's all there is to it..

The unconnectedness is a fascinating phenomenon.. It is the ability to live your life knowing that what you are seeing and experiencing is merely the perception of the network in one's brain.. The unconnectedness initially arises from this and leads on to show the complete union with that which cannot be perceived.. Therefore, in some way, the disconnection is actually a path to a complete connection with everything..

So why do i have a need to be detached and unconnected?? I dont know.. if i did, i dont think i will have the need anymore.. Its like water.. you're thirsty only until you drink it..

So how much further is my bottle of water? no clue whatsoever.. For all i know, it could be right here, and i just need to open it and drink it.. Will it bother me if i dont find it while i live? I dont know if that makes a difference anyway..

A blade of Grass in an Open Field

People are talking so much about the world coming to an end and asking stuff like "what are you going to do before the world ends?".. Well i'm gonna mind my own  bloody business I am..

Look.. If the world is gonna perish - how does it matter what i do? it doesnt right? so if i want to skydive strapped to my girlfriend (a hypothetical one) before the world ends - and i have neither the money nor the means to do it - what difference does it make?

Some may argue, stating that its the experience that counts and that our souls last for ever.. Well, if your souls last forever, does it make a difference if the world ends? I can jolly well fly in and out of the sun then, can't I?!

But then, if I am of the world and perish with it, then whether I do it or not doesnt count anyway, does it?

The world is here, in the solar system, stuck in the milky way in a remote corner of the known universe.. You really think it makes a difference? You wanna do something before the world ends? Try living one single day without lying; without being fake; without hurting anyone; without stealing directly/indirectly; without breaking traffic rules; without being rude to anyone or anything.. Live one day being honest to your loved ones and loving without holding back and give without a thought of receiving - just one day.. Try it..

Humanity only matters as long as humans exist.. We must all understand one thing.. Whatever may happen, Its not the world that perishes - it will be us.. In the larger scheme of things we are but a blade of grass in an open field..

P.S: But then again - how does that matter anyway...

I am

I am the music - I am the sound

I am the silence so profoud

I am the harmony - and dissonance

I stand still in the motion of your dance

I am the light you seek in darkness

I am the night that shows you throught o day

I am within you as I am without

Call me God - Call me mother

Call me by a million names

I am your Self - I am your Other

I am and so are you

I do and so do you

I be and so you are

You don't and I still am

What do i?

* Say these slokas - they're good for you

* Pray to this god - he's responsible for education
* Its all about the positive vibrations the mantras generate
* Its the belief that counts
* Whats the difference between a mantra and any other word - they're all sounds
* Saying random collection of sounds to random stones - stupid fellow
* You are one - You are all - What are you trying to prove to whom?
* You don't live - You don't die - What's the big deal?
* Does any of it even matter?


These are all questions and suggestions that are in and around me all the time.. And these things have never ceased to confuse me.. They seem to take pleasure in doing it.. 


Some ppl say that sating prayers make them feel good and so they do it.. well, sleeping and eating chocolates make me feel good.. So do i go ahead and do them all the time??


I am in some way prepared to accept that our choices determine what happens to us in our lives.. But if the choices themselves are pre-determined, whats the point of me making conscious choices? arent the choices i take by default the ones i end up doing anyway?? Doesnt this leave us with an absolute lack of a reason to do anything at all??


Let me put down a few paradoxical thoughts here.. Consider this scenario.. Why must we try to achieve to be better than everyone else?? Does it matter at all?? Aren't we all the same fundamentally and isnt tat which really matters?? therefore, what ever i try, it finally doesnt matter.. And so, (here's the paradox) if it doesnt really matter what i do, why not go ahead and do it anyway?? 


We live in a world where the good and the bad dont really have much of meaning.. They change their definition with time, place, individual.. What do i believe?? I believe there is no good and no bad.. but i also realise that this applies not just to me, but to everyone else as well.. This is probably what really draws me to Nolan's Joker from the Dark Knight.. He understands that he is part of the system, part of the whole process.. therefore, if Harvey Dent's coin flip in the hospital had lead to his death, he is prepared to take that chance.. that is how he lives.. he makes a choice and accepts the consequences whatever they be..


The title i have given this writing kind of expresses my state.. its just "What do i?" not "what do i do?", not "what do i believe?".. its just "What do i?".. a funny thing this is.. 


I see chaos and order as just 2 different points of view.. Hence it is possible that the chaos i perceive right now is just a way of seeing things.. Does it disturb me? yes it does - just like order disturbs me.. Do i ever feel peace? yes.. i do.. when i know the chaos and order, co-existing, and being themselves.. It amuses me that i even see them at all.. 


My my.. The things i think and the things i dont.. What ever do i do/think/believe??


Or should i even stop thinking there is something i must do/think/believe??


what do i?

Happiness is what you want it to be

It really is.. If what u want is what you already have, u have nothing left to want, i.e, feel unhappy about not having, and therefore you are happy..

If u want something that you do not have, then your happiness is dependent on getting that thing..

So, the choice of what you want lies in your hands..

the point here is, the happiness you discover (note, its discover and not happiness you gain), is because u lose desire.. it sounds very sage-like, but unfortunately, its a fact..

I go back to the mind concept here.. The mind is a really tricky creature.. it has a wonderful defense mechanism wherein it keeps making you want things you do not have.. Again, it does not make you covet, but makes you want.. The "covet" part is transient..As Dr.Hannibal Lecter says, "You covet only what you see".. Therefore coveting is easily satisfied either by crude acts such as theft, or simply by not seeing the item we covet..

But u need not see to start wanting something.. the entity that you desire can be a completely fictitious one (such as the 'ideal' life partner) or something tangible and real - like stuff u read about in a magazine (a Rolls Royce Phantom for example).. the point is, it is very hard to satisfy your wants.. that is how the mind prevents you from being happy.. Now the most obvious question is, why does the mind not like you being happy?

The answer is quite logical.. When a person is happy, their thoughts are few or even non-existent.. but when a person is unhappy/sad/depressed/not satisfied, they just cant stop thinking.. Thought is one of the primary functions of the mind.. Therefore, when a person is happy, they stop thinking and the person's dependence on the mind reduces.. this in turn, weakens the mind..

Zen, Buddhism, Hinduism all speak of the thoughtlessness as an important step toward Nirvana/Enlightenment or watever... the point is, going to a stage of mindlessness.. its a stage where the individuality of the mind gives way to the realisation of union of the self with the whole..

Basically, it means the mind becomes threatened when you stop thinking.. therefore it kicks in a huge circuitous track where it makes you want things, which in turn makes you less happy.. when you do eventually manage to get what you wanted, the mind usually shifts its base towards something else (after allowing you a brief period of happiness)..

Therefore, it finally boils down to a choice we have to make.. Happiness is what you want it to be..